Have you ever been told something by someone that made you wish so desperately that you never knew? That they had just carried on with that terrible secret bottled up within them? It's not because you don't want to support them or that you don't love them, but now you have to carry that secret with them and the weight is just too much. You have images that you can't get out of your mind now.
In some ways my life is moving forward. I'm moving to the perfect location and at the end of this semester I will have finally graduated college. But I'm still hopelessly smitten with a man that it's a disaster to feel something for. And I'm constantly reminded of this fact. Thankfully, he has nothing to do with the above secret. Although I find myself wanting to talk with him about it. Why? It doesn't make sense. I find myself finding excuses to stop by his house because I know that if I do, I'll end up sleeping over. Now I'm borrowing something of his for my Halloween costume and am supposed to pick it up from him at work tonight. I don't want to go in there alone. How pathetic is that? I don't know how to talk to him outside of his bedroom. Sounds different than it is.
And why is it that straight men have no real interest in me? Gay men think I'm gorgeous and tell me every single time they see me. Why don't straight men have the same response? Or if they do, why don't they talk to me? Hanging out with my friend and his newest circle of friends (mostly gay men) is the biggest confidence boost. And my friend tells me everything they say about me and it's all positive and so sweet. So where do you meet straight men that are worth your time? I missed that class.
On a different note, San Francisco this weekend to stay with one of my very best friends. We have a Florence and the Machine show to go to and the night after that is a Billy Bragg show, which I am crazy excited for because I haven't seen him in so long. It couldn't be a worse week due to the moving to a new place and not having money for even the BART but the tickets have been bought for a while and we both need this visit.
And now, I sneeze.
I am so excited for Black Swan. Darren Aronofsky is a genius. That man can do anything and I'll be on board.
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